regrets

Never had I adored you but all you wanted was to be noticed;
I was too busy searching for things that are already in front of me 
and blinded by fascination for sights that are beyond my view
Never had I treasured you but all you wanted was to be owned;
I had never disowned you but I never claimed you
My hands are overflowing with jewels of blinding brilliance
and gems of benumbing beauty;
Never had I embraced you but all you wanted was for me to perceive
your presence and for you to feel that I am here
But I was too busy looking for myself and my arms are straining from embracing
nothingness
I never dared to look into those eyes for I see a vast, troubled ocean
reflecting a man armored with a comical bravado
And I never liked reflections.
Never had I shared with you my triumphs
but all you expected was for me to confide my miseries upon you
I have reckoned happiness as my adversary, and agony, my alter ego
And I am selfish.
Never had I hurt you but all you needed was to be hurt for me to know
that you are real
I had been too busy hurting myself that pain had been my pleasure and numbness,
my stronghold
Until its walls crumbled down, crushing my rotten flesh and splattering my
stale blood with their weight
Never had I called you, never had I cried to you
But I know you can hear me, I know you’re reaching out to me
And I can see you drudging, struggling to free yourself from the chains of
imperceptibility I have bound you with.




 August 2003